I saw a crow on Sunday - go figure, ha! But what was different about this particular Crow, was that he flew down to meet me, as I walked to Church (Church is another enigmatic subject for posting) and lit proudly on the wire across the street. As he peered at me clearly showing off his prize. I noted with initial aghast! that he was holding an ample bird (dead) in his beak. My first thought was immediate fear - seems to be my kneejerk reaction to EVER-Y-THING. But as I pondered it, I noted his pride, his showing me his prize. He had a feast! He was excited! He was going to eat well with his family tonight!
That very afternoon I, too, feasted. And now I know what I want. I feasted on a great meal for the soul. I connected with two people of whom I value their opinions and experiences. I can learn from these people and share with them. We are kindred spirits. They awaken my heart and make me feel light and joyful. They make me feel valuable and loved. This is the meal I have been missing. I've had it in the past, but have not had the vision to always appreciate it, and not shared the values I currently hold. I've also feasted on the Spirit in ways, lately, that I could not have ever fathomed in my previous life. I feel very grateful. and always - HUNGRY FOR MORE!
In the past my feasting has constituted junk food, material objects, self abuse (negative self talk and bad habits)... I no longer want want isn't real. I want a feast for the heart. A feast for the Soul. I want to experience joy like never before... and I can, I've tasted it and I'm ready for more!
Today is my show, RAVEN*OUS's opening reception... I'm terrified and excited! Yesterday my show opened to the public on 02/19, 2019 at 1919... on a FULL MOON! That excites me, and validates the importance for me of this work that I'm now doing.
And today, as I walked toward work, thinking about tonight and trying to release the fear I feel, I saw another bird fly by, he, too, had a large meal in his beak - no doubt headed off to share it with the fam. I hope 'tis an omen of another hearty heart meal for me... <3
Fear is funny thing. Just when you think you have a handle on it, the great FULL BLOOD WOLF MOON reveals a whole other subset of fearful depths deep down in the subconscious murk.
I started The Artist's Way group in the Gallery this month and we're currently on Chapter 2, Identity. That's a big one. Genetically I haven't a clue. Completely unknowing of a whole half of my cultural identity. I've had lots of people guess, even without knowing that it's a thing with me - this unending wishing, hoping, dreaming, looking for clues, reading my deepest longings and journeys into the ether. Portuguese? Aboriginal? Spanish? Italian? The guesses still continue from innocent bystanders. "You look so exotic"... whatever that means. I wish I knew, I wish my Mother would say something like he was a tall dark man - very handsome, we had a passionate triste one night. He was _____________ (insert race here). Even a last name would be great. No. The truth remains somewhat full of murk, like the sediment that settles at the bottom of a corner store bottle of orange juice. Slightly brownish and unappealing to the most parched individual.
"We were at a party. He, er, took advantage of me."
Now I struggle with feeling sympathy for her and my inner demons angrily questioning, "what?? You didn't get his name?? His ethnic background?? A list of family medical history??" then I have the wave of guilt for even thinking such thing. Then I have the wave of self doubt, that I'm half of a person that would rape a woman. What other awful things did he do? How much did she fight him? How inebriated was she? So many horrific questions. Why can't I let it lie? What's wrong with me?
It's rich soil, and I'm half wondering if I should be writing this 'out loud' even... Do those thoughts make me a bad person? I haven't a clue.
What I do know is what ignites my soul. Creative expression and finding a voice to express all this tumult visually in a meaningful way, with competence and exciting style - every artists hope.
I also have a propensity to feel every feeling so very deeply. Which can be awful and so beautiful at the same time. There is a deep beauty in feeling a deep sadness from time to time. A friend told me once that the Buddhists have a term for that very thing, I can't for the life of me remember what that is...
The Full Blood Wolf Moon had a message this week, which I haven't quite figured out what it means, but comes on the heels of all this identity digging.. It showed me a striking vision of a flock of EAGLES descending and circling before me. This is where the depths of my fear raised their horned heads... In the dream I shouted excitedly, "oh my - are those EAGLES??" They were huge beasts, so many of them, circling directly in front of me! Incroyable. And my fearful, ever-so-fragile EGO steps in and says no, you couldn't possibly deserve such a wealth of luck, and TURNED THE IMAGE TO VULTURES.
I could literally hear the subconscious dialogue occurring while the dream was taking place. Unbelievable. How's that for self sabotage!
There is a happy ending, however! This morning on my walk to work along the beautiful Halifax Harbour, a great Eagle crossed my path, so close! A nod from the Universe, yes, I DO deserve such wealth. And I will receive it.
A beautiful God moment for sure, I appreciate that. <3
Well then. 2019. It's been a while since I've been here. It's time. 2018 brought about a lot of change and forced reflection. A lot pondering what the heck is actually important to me. A lot of realizations and big steps forward.
As every artist knows, reflection is a necessity for creative output. I think most of us fall into patterns and habits that keep us coasting along merrily, or so it seems until WHAM! We're blindsided by something that sets us on our ass. This happened twice in '18. What a year. The fertile soil that was upturned though... oh my. I feel alive in ways I have not known. I feel like I've unlocked rooms in my soul that go deeper than I realized I could go. Black earth. The rich depths of the blackest, hottest earth bursting with life. That's where I am. And I want more.
This year, I want to go beyond. I want to go deeper than ever into my life. My subconscious. The very essence of my being. My Spirit. My ancestry. My deepest knowing, to the very brink of all existence. I'm hungry. To know God, to know Myself, to know everything. And I want to express this in such painful precision through my artwork. Pardon the drama but
I AM RAVENOUS.
This red pepper is from a new sketch project I've begun, "Contours around the house". I love contour drawing because I love the feeling of looking at the shape of something (especially organic) and recreating the lovely, uneven lines that exist in all natural things. The human figure is the best but in a pinch I go to the crisper. :) These are quick sketches in ink which keep me loose and keep my eyes open.
I've been discussing lately with my creative friends whether process is as important as the final product when creating something.
I believe it's first and foremost important to feel 100% great about something you are putting out into the world. And you should be able to talk about your work - which leads me to process. Without process, there would be no experiments, happy accidents or expressive art for that matter. Not to mention the traditional realms of creating which usually involve very precise processes. So yes, I think process may be even more important than the end result. Process is a result of the need to create. Some artists research a great deal before starting a project. Some have ritualistic preparations they need to endure. Some, like me, follow instictually a spark or brief inspirational encounter then analyze and debrief myself on the meaning (including how I felt and what drove me emotionally during the making) afterwards.
Being an expressive and emotionally driven artist, I believe without sincerity and genuineness in process, the end product means nothing at all.
I spent this snow day working on a new painting. it's really exciting to see all the paint fill in to create something new. Magical. Part planning, part intuition and partially its own volition. It becomes what it wants to be. A living thing with its own energy apart from me. A creation.
Just like me. I create myself with the energies and thoughts I put into me. I've started to become more aware of how I think and feel toward myself. Generally I think I'm pretty awesome, but maybe I can really blow the roof off this existence if I treat myself well every day... magic!
As for this painting, so far I luuuurve it. we'll see where that goes too.
"Happiness hit her like a bullet in love.." Florence, Dog Days
Like many of you I am often flailing toward some semblance of a balanced life. Time is constantly being sliced up into tiny bite-sized pieces of work, daughter, meals, chores and often lastly, art... not to mention time with friends who get kicked to the curb in the stead of these many other commitments (sorry).
Now that Spring is trying desperately to hump our legs I find more than ever a crave to create. Impulse is dying to take command of this tired ship but the crew just will not lay down to mutiny. My commitments force upon me a temperance to my designs on the alluring impulse. I can't wait to get to work! ...but, right I have to do that thing. I have to make a meal. I have to ...[fill in the blank]. So I bide my moments of freedom semi-planning an attack on my next creative endeavor and hope the fire doesn't burn out. I don't think it will - I am, after all, just getting started and I'm a fire sign, that's gotta count for something! Off I go to suck it up and eat my proverbial vegetables. :)