Fear is funny thing. Just when you think you have a handle on it, the great FULL BLOOD WOLF MOON reveals a whole other subset of fearful depths deep down in the subconscious murk.
I started The Artist's Way group in the Gallery this month and we're currently on Chapter 2, Identity. That's a big one. Genetically I haven't a clue. Completely unknowing of a whole half of my cultural identity. I've had lots of people guess, even without knowing that it's a thing with me - this unending wishing, hoping, dreaming, looking for clues, reading my deepest longings and journeys into the ether. Portuguese? Aboriginal? Spanish? Italian? The guesses still continue from innocent bystanders. "You look so exotic"... whatever that means. I wish I knew, I wish my Mother would say something like he was a tall dark man - very handsome, we had a passionate triste one night. He was _____________ (insert race here). Even a last name would be great. No. The truth remains somewhat full of murk, like the sediment that settles at the bottom of a corner store bottle of orange juice. Slightly brownish and unappealing to the most parched individual.
"We were at a party. He, er, took advantage of me."
Now I struggle with feeling sympathy for her and my inner demons angrily questioning, "what?? You didn't get his name?? His ethnic background?? A list of family medical history??" then I have the wave of guilt for even thinking such thing. Then I have the wave of self doubt, that I'm half of a person that would rape a woman. What other awful things did he do? How much did she fight him? How inebriated was she? So many horrific questions. Why can't I let it lie? What's wrong with me?
It's rich soil, and I'm half wondering if I should be writing this 'out loud' even... Do those thoughts make me a bad person? I haven't a clue.
What I do know is what ignites my soul. Creative expression and finding a voice to express all this tumult visually in a meaningful way, with competence and exciting style - every artists hope.
I also have a propensity to feel every feeling so very deeply. Which can be awful and so beautiful at the same time. There is a deep beauty in feeling a deep sadness from time to time. A friend told me once that the Buddhists have a term for that very thing, I can't for the life of me remember what that is...
The Full Blood Wolf Moon had a message this week, which I haven't quite figured out what it means, but comes on the heels of all this identity digging.. It showed me a striking vision of a flock of EAGLES descending and circling before me. This is where the depths of my fear raised their horned heads... In the dream I shouted excitedly, "oh my - are those EAGLES??" They were huge beasts, so many of them, circling directly in front of me! Incroyable. And my fearful, ever-so-fragile EGO steps in and says no, you couldn't possibly deserve such a wealth of luck, and TURNED THE IMAGE TO VULTURES.
I could literally hear the subconscious dialogue occurring while the dream was taking place. Unbelievable. How's that for self sabotage!
There is a happy ending, however! This morning on my walk to work along the beautiful Halifax Harbour, a great Eagle crossed my path, so close! A nod from the Universe, yes, I DO deserve such wealth. And I will receive it.
A beautiful God moment for sure, I appreciate that. <3
Well then. 2019. It's been a while since I've been here. It's time. 2018 brought about a lot of change and forced reflection. A lot pondering what the heck is actually important to me. A lot of realizations and big steps forward.
As every artist knows, reflection is a necessity for creative output. I think most of us fall into patterns and habits that keep us coasting along merrily, or so it seems until WHAM! We're blindsided by something that sets us on our ass. This happened twice in '18. What a year. The fertile soil that was upturned though... oh my. I feel alive in ways I have not known. I feel like I've unlocked rooms in my soul that go deeper than I realized I could go. Black earth. The rich depths of the blackest, hottest earth bursting with life. That's where I am. And I want more.
This year, I want to go beyond. I want to go deeper than ever into my life. My subconscious. The very essence of my being. My Spirit. My ancestry. My deepest knowing, to the very brink of all existence. I'm hungry. To know God, to know Myself, to know everything. And I want to express this in such painful precision through my artwork. Pardon the drama but
I AM RAVENOUS.