Evaluating one's own sense of self worth has always, at least for myself, been an emotional experience rather than an intellectual exercise.
Of late, this exercise has been one of exorcising demons, if you will. I have found myself running, slipping and sliding headfirst, rounding the corner toward the half century mark and dragging my single parent butt around the town in search for a new rental abode. Times are tough, choices are few (and outrageously expensive!)and competition is fierce - and I just may LITERALLY be the worst at selling myself. Oh to be a young, professional couple with no kids, no pets and no personality - jk!
These fun times are low blows to the ole, already waning ego and it's been an impactful struggle to man up and carry on, chin high in the air. My sense of self worth has been deflated and left on the beach in a rain storm. And yesterday I felt less than zero.
I got myself up late this morning and after drinking a full pot of coffee and ungluing my eyeballs from the senseless phone scrolling, I forced myself to start meditating, not really having any high hopes for a valuable experience. I asked for a different perspective on the situation. I asked (as I usually do) to see ultimate Truth. To see past the conditioning and colonizing and domestication we've all gone through for centuries. To see deeper. And more. With my heart.
After the blessing I immersed myself into the Spirit World. I felt foggy. But then shapes came and I saw clearly a rainbow, with a pot of gold at the end. A good omen! I felt happy. Then I saw a ladle, something that appears periodically, I associate it with nourishment from the Universe, it poured gold all over me and I washed my face in it. Then I drank it. After that They made a paste from gold and elm wood ashes. They opened my chest, told me my heart had been broken too many times, and they coated it with this strengthening plaster. Then they took fire and put it in my left eye, for the passionate self, and a dragon's egg in my right eye, to see Spiritual Truth. It was a great woman in many robes, performing this Spiritual Surgery...A Shaman.
I can't yet relay an effect, but I feel consoled. An amazing experience for which I'm so grateful and will no doubt require further rumination . We shall see what will come of it.
Love to each of you - and to myself. <3
I'm often battling general pressure to conventionalize myself but then I am reminded that it is not the conventional that moves me. I do what I am moved to do, whether it is understood by many, few or none.
There is art inside me that has to be made, I suspect it's like that for most artists. I'm often fearful that viewers will be bewildered or repulsed by my art. I only have to be reminded that I am moved by my art, the making, the meaning, the brushstrokes, the lines. And if I am, there may be at least one other person out there that is as well.